One thing is clear: pregnancy for me was like brainwashing.
So calm, like the silence before the storm. Unusual, considering my outbursts of anger. It was a time with no fears or doubts.
I remember with fun and humor the last months before the children were born.
I was making a thousand of thoughts, plans, all the details were set up. It was a well-established plan, and nothing would have interfered in changing it.
I admit I’m way too organized in all aspects, in my opinion, a big flaw because I fall into the other extreme, I get myself into too many tasks.
I try to do everything right, and I often screw up, but … this is me. Everything to be as good as possible arranged and set up simply.
Although my family, friends, doctors, and relatives told me that it would be hard and very hard, I did not take into account. I did not want to accept that it would be different from my own vision.
Everything was clearly settled in my mind.
I was zen throughout my pregnancy, listening to classical music, relaxing, talking to them, they used to kick my belly with all their hands and feets, especially at night when I was standing still and did not swing them through my moves.
It was magnificent! My nights and days were full! (exactly as it is now :)) Fun for them, hard for me, but yet, it was the most amazing, stunning and overwhelming time in my life.
I knew I could breastfeed them simultaneously, knew that colics was a myth and basically reflected the mother’s mental state. As soon as the babies came home, I would have time for all the domestic chores and personal activities, and even if something came up, I would have cope.
I was in a full serenity.
But, with some exceptions….things didn’t turn out as planned….
I did not expect the pains of c-section to be unbearable. I was in a state of depression with tears in which I felt I have no escape, I was floating, as I had nothing under my feet.
I looked at my children and I felt helpless, crying with sobs deprived of any physical and mental rest moment. It was exhausting. I was fully out of normal condition.
But everything passes over time. All I had to do was to be calm and responsive to their needs. With patience and gentleness, the rest resolves itself.
Now, after 2.5 years, I’ve learned to take things as they are, not to make plans anymore and make quick decisions according to the children’s wishes. I have learned to no longer have expectations and to take advantage of any free time. No more targets, No more plans, just the present we own.